Daddy's Fear Factor

Daddy’s Fear Factor


is it fear of commitment
or are you just sick of me
do you even want to be with me
or is your love intermittent?
I feel like my life’s on hold
and, daddy, it’s really getting old
it feels so dark and cold
the pain in my chest grabs hold
anxiety attacks are my daily snack
the worst thing about it
is knowing they’ll be back
every single night like clockwork
because you never want to try to work
out a fucking thing about us
every time I bring “us” up you go berserk
whenever I bring up the fact
that I think you’re never coming back
and how that truly makes me feel
no, it doesn’t matter if it’s really real
it’s how your words make it seem
it’s like I’m living inside of a dream
that one day you’ll be back with me
but I know you’re just sitting there laughing at me
telling me things to keep me holding on
singing me the same old fucked up song
saying you’ve got to handle shit
and, daddy, I know there’s something going on
you can do all your stuff right here
and you know that it’s just your fear
that keeps you running away to your mom’s
putting us aside for so long
you tell me I’m the one you love
but your actions haven’t proven it
you’ve just left me with mounds and mounds of shit
without a shovel to deal with it
if you really wanted it we’d be together now
don’t you know that’s the only way how
I’ll ever feel calm or trust you again
don’t you know you are my only friend
the only one I could ever count upon
but then you, too, abandoned me
even though I depended so entirely on
you to never leave me
but that’s exactly what you did
now I feel just like a little fucking kid
sitting on my porch again
waiting for my stupid dad but then
he never shows to pick me up
more important things were holding him up
his tee time he had in the morning
so I sat all day just fucking mourning
the feeling so deep of abandonment
to this day I haven’t gotten over it
what you did just brought it up again
my husband, my best and only friend
you say that you don’t know when
you’ll be able to be with me again
I say that’s just a cop out my friend
everyone knows what they’re doing when
they’re doing what they’re doing and
they always have a tentative plan
some idea of how to regulate
the way they spend their fucking day
you are no different than any one of them
you’re so meticulous my daddy, my only friend
you used to plan the schedules for programs
I’m supposed to believe you’ve no diagram
maybe some tourist would buy that shit
but I’ve been living here my whole life so it
doesn’t make any sense to me
you’ve always planned your fucking destiny
so why can’t you just use some honesty
when you are communicating with me?

©January 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas