I Saw You

you were there at the resident's desk holding a fist full of hockey tickets
you asked me if I’d signed up to go to the game and
I said, "what game?" no one ever told me about any rec. group...
I was a new client, you were staff - that didn't matter
you told me where the list was and I should go sign up
you quit your job the day after game night just so we could date
a year later we were married and I was working as a receptionist
at the same treatment center in the executive wing while going to college
soon after we were married I quit college I was just so tired and sick all the time
yes, I was pregnant and the best thing that ever happened to me, to us, a baby boy
those were the days - do you remember them? of course you do now you're in heaven
again I saw you the day after Thanksgiving this year, you called me to pick up our dog
because you were homeless from your addiction allowing the demon to enter in
and finally the demon won last Thursday night, you were shot by a cop up in Ogden
I just found out about it today, Valentines Day, I never got to tell you I remembered
what a great guy you were, I did get to tell you that you were worth more dead to me than alive
so far as child support went and I'm sorry for that comment now
I was only trying to get the point through your thick head that you had to go to Uni
and get the fuck off the streets, thank God for my gifts, as an Ascended Master I know
I will see you again soon, as soon as my emotions can calm down a bit
as soon as you so choose to come to my home to visit I will see you again
when? well that, my dear friend, is entirely up to you

©February 2011 - Tamara Roberts Nicholas

Flat Line

flat line, flat line I think you’re going to

flat line, flat line I know it’s your time to

flat line, flat line you’ve been fucking with

the master of all time, flat line

who is the master of many rhymes

for far too long son, your inner shine’s

going dim now don’t whine

don’t start to cry because this time

you earned what you’ll get in due time

best make amends quickly because your crimes

affected people swiftly with no mind

or any sympathy, you have no spine

but I forgive you boy, I will hit rewind

lay down some mercy for your kind

even though you were so very unkind

so very thoughtless for others, your sisters

held a grudge forever you did mister

heartless out to get revenge for what one

woman did to you a very long time ago son

didn’t you know that she wasn’t the only one

in the world who could matter

who could make your heart pitter-patter

make you feel like you were someone special

the only one in this world who mattered, well

I’m here now to remind you of all of this

so she broke your heart maybe even twisted it

does that justify how you tore all of us apart

innocent victims lives as you played the part

of mister monogamy, mister prince charming

while you were out there fucking everything

stealing their identities for that ho who’d blow anything

who gave you STD’s so you’d pass them to me,

you didn’t say a word, not a God damn thing

to warn me, to inform me, so I could get treatment for them

so I could know I was infected, know you didn’t give a damn

then again you’ve always forgotten who I am

so let me remind you gently now that I can

allow me the opportunity to put you on a magic carpet

so you can ride it out of this world, you’re my next target

that’s why I tried to tell you earlier

you’re going to flat line, flat line

I’m sorry but you pushed me too far this time

I really hate to do it to you because you’re a good friend of mine

but I have to do it to you I’ve had enough this time

if I don’t do it you’ll just keep up your bull-shit lines

keep talking shit all the time so you have to flat line

it’s a must that I do it to you

you know I’d avoid it if I could but you

just keep doing what you want to do

which causes lots of harm, mostly to me,

and that’s just unacceptable with my philosophy

you have a master’s degree in criminology

a second master’s in women’s sociology

specializing in trauma victims which I happen to be

I have a hard time pretending that things aren’t what they are

that they’re what you claim they are it’s just so very far

out there from what the facts show me what the real story is

show me how I’m supposed to live

show me what you have to give

but you’re a selfish human being

though you claim to know everything

so very much about selflessness and sharing

about AA – but you know nothing

it’s all talk without motion and we all know the same cliché

action speaks louder than words, honey I’ll take action any day

your actions tell me a different story than your words say

I have beaten you at your own game

but it wasn’t your own game

I invented it a long time ago

when I was someone you didn’t know

when I was a lawless little ho

a drug dealer seeking dough

had a criminal mentality

it controlled me and everything

I did, said, even people and the things

which I considered special or important to me

I suppose they were what defined me as a being

honey the being was a “thing” and not a pleasant thing to be

I hated her every minute of every day and I was glad to see her leave

I left her dead in a cold jail cell

I’m sure she went straight to hell

because she was heartless, an empty shell

had no feelings for anyone or anything

a very materialistic human being

would kill you for taking her things

“scary bitch” if you could call her anything

like a butterfly leaves the cocoon

I left her dead in that cold room

my wings spread and I flew away

I started life over that very day

but you prick you brought her back

with every word, every attack

you drew her back with your freak show

she’s that one I used to know

the one I never wanted to know

she’s back just like the plague

she’s going to break you like an egg

because your shell is very thin

mine is thick that’s why I’ll win

now it’s time to say goodbye

I’m really sorry you have to die

but it’s God’s plan for what you’ve done

mercy was shown to you in tons

but you wouldn’t take my hand

you wouldn’t make amends

wouldn’t admit to anything

so for you it’s going to sting

I hate to do it you know I do

but I have to do it you know I do

so for now I’ll say good-bye

I hope to see you in the next life

I hope you’ve changed a lot by then

I hope you’ve grown into a man

until then your heart is mine

I know you loved me all the time

I wish you could have been honest with me though

until you learn that lesson know

I have to be the one who takes you out

so in that please don’t ever doubt

I will stop hesitating time

I will just say “flat line, flat line”



©March 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas