Living a Lie

woke up to nothingness
taste had no taste
found out reality wasn’t real
the life we’d been living
sharing together
supposed to be forever
just a lie, make believe
to avoid what you conceive
about me, an evil witch
money grubbing bitch
honey you’re just looking
in the mirror at me
seeing yourself
when you look at me
apparently you don’t read a thing
I’ve ever written
how I see this world
what disgusts me the most
with society, their greed
holding onto material things

now back to how you took
everything away from me
told me how you wanted to leave
all that was making you stay
afraid how I’d make you pay
you don’t even realize
what you’ve done to me
the fact that you fucked her
our first year, matrimony
tried to tell me I was crazy
when I asked you to own your shit
asked you for an apology
you never gave me one
so I buried the truth to move on
I wasn’t in a position to leave
sick, business went bankrupt
even worse my family
told me to stay and work it out

my own mother told me
needed to be a better wife
excuse me, mom, I was a good wife
he is nineteen years older than I
ego’s on high over drive
been living like this all his life
nothing to do with me you see
just because dad did it to you
and you never realized
it wasn’t about you
don’t tell me what to do
you stayed for twenty one years
then what did you do?
starts with a D and ends with an E
it’s exactly what I need
to earn back my self esteem


©May 19, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas

The Story Turned Poem...

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Friday at St. Mary’s


so nice to be spunky
honestly it feels Funky
yeah, I’m a fan of funk
even happier off junk
and now I’m not a drunk
I’m living like a punk
Oreos are good to dunk
with a tall glass of milk
I really like imported silk
how it feels upon my skin
these men have nice grins
when they’re not showing teeth
poised, positioned, ready to bite
and as it turns out tonight
is more than just Friday night
I’d like to shed some light
on words that start with “F”
I’ve never been scared of death
but sitting here at work
trying not to be a jerk
is much harder than you think
my situation really stinks
some of the staff are just dinks
while addicts make best friends
with junkies who have the bends
then everyone pretends
that none of it offends
when words don’t mean a thing
actions are what really sting
I offer up my wings
to see what life may bring
fly us all out of this mess
that keeps my people stressed
breathe deep, keep us blessed
the time is drawing near
need to hold each other dear
before we’re no longer here
without a push or a shove
light shines from up above
giving the gift of love
the best gift ever given
never done long as I’m living
creates joy while receiving
give this gift long as I’m breathing
you keep shopping, keep on spending
credit cards maxed, you’re pretending
working two jobs to keep paying
while you do you best keep praying
just remember all that you buy
stays right here and that’s no lie
the love you give is forever
goes after death with whoever
doesn’t break or come in sizes
can’t trade it in nor can you hide it
don’t cost a thing but your pride
spend it quickly friend don’t bide
don’t listen to ego cause it lies
hear that quiet whisper deep inside
who are we to have expectations
when it’s we who have aberrations
so back to the matter that's at hand
I’m done with taking my final stand
have you guys heard all I’ve said
do you all of you want me dead?
love all of you despite you anyway
I’m glad I’m here on this Friday
I know some of you want me to stay
some of you don’t like what I say
for that small portion of men
who don’t like where I’ve been
nor do they like where I’m going
I have one final thought for them
first I’d like them to know
I love those of them most of all
I’ll pray the hardest I can for them
bite my tongue harder even when
they’re acting disrespectful towards me
like the fools they have to be
because they haven’t learned a thing
makes my heart really burn and sting
I’ll shed a tear from time to time
read the obits page, look into my mind
remember faces of all the men
who have hated me now and then
because they were too full of pride
didn’t want to let go of the ride
substance abuse had its grip on them
look at what it did for them
their in the funny pages now
dead from their disease is how
they finally found their God
for me, that’s all a bit odd
I wonder what their face looked like
when they saw that big white light
felt the overwhelming love and warmth
when they didn’t just wake up to dark
tell me, who’s the crazy bitch now?
it doesn’t matter anyhow
if it mattered what people think to me
I wouldn’t say a fucking thing
I sure as hell wouldn’t be me
wouldn’t that be a crying shame?
cause life would never be the same
it would be some type of war game
and you'd be in the hall of fame

©May 7, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas