you were there at the resident's desk holding a fist full of hockey tickets
you asked me if I’d signed up to go to the game and
I said, "what game?" no one ever told me about any rec. group...
I was a new client, you were staff - that didn't matter
you told me where the list was and I should go sign up
you quit your job the day after game night just so we could date
a year later we were married and I was working as a receptionist
at the same treatment center in the executive wing while going to college
soon after we were married I quit college I was just so tired and sick all the time
yes, I was pregnant and the best thing that ever happened to me, to us, a baby boy
those were the days - do you remember them? of course you do now you're in heaven
again I saw you the day after Thanksgiving this year, you called me to pick up our dog
because you were homeless from your addiction allowing the demon to enter in
and finally the demon won last Thursday night, you were shot by a cop up in Ogden
I just found out about it today, Valentines Day, I never got to tell you I remembered
what a great guy you were, I did get to tell you that you were worth more dead to me than alive
so far as child support went and I'm sorry for that comment now
I was only trying to get the point through your thick head that you had to go to Uni
and get the fuck off the streets, thank God for my gifts, as an Ascended Master I know
I will see you again soon, as soon as my emotions can calm down a bit
as soon as you so choose to come to my home to visit I will see you again
when? well that, my dear friend, is entirely up to you
©February 2011 - Tamara Roberts Nicholas
Monday, April 4, 2011
Flat Line
flat line, flat line I think you’re going to
flat line, flat line I know it’s your time to
flat line, flat line you’ve been fucking with
the master of all time, flat line
who is the master of many rhymes
for far too long son, your inner shine’s
going dim now don’t whine
don’t start to cry because this time
you earned what you’ll get in due time
best make amends quickly because your crimes
affected people swiftly with no mind
or any sympathy, you have no spine
but I forgive you boy, I will hit rewind
lay down some mercy for your kind
even though you were so very unkind
so very thoughtless for others, your sisters
held a grudge forever you did mister
heartless out to get revenge for what one
woman did to you a very long time ago son
didn’t you know that she wasn’t the only one
in the world who could matter
who could make your heart pitter-patter
make you feel like you were someone special
the only one in this world who mattered, well
I’m here now to remind you of all of this
so she broke your heart maybe even twisted it
does that justify how you tore all of us apart
innocent victims lives as you played the part
of mister monogamy, mister prince charming
while you were out there fucking everything
stealing their identities for that ho who’d blow anything
who gave you STD’s so you’d pass them to me,
you didn’t say a word, not a God damn thing
to warn me, to inform me, so I could get treatment for them
so I could know I was infected, know you didn’t give a damn
then again you’ve always forgotten who I am
so let me remind you gently now that I can
allow me the opportunity to put you on a magic carpet
so you can ride it out of this world, you’re my next target
that’s why I tried to tell you earlier
you’re going to flat line, flat line
I’m sorry but you pushed me too far this time
I really hate to do it to you because you’re a good friend of mine
but I have to do it to you I’ve had enough this time
if I don’t do it you’ll just keep up your bull-shit lines
keep talking shit all the time so you have to flat line
it’s a must that I do it to you
you know I’d avoid it if I could but you
just keep doing what you want to do
which causes lots of harm, mostly to me,
and that’s just unacceptable with my philosophy
you have a master’s degree in criminology
a second master’s in women’s sociology
specializing in trauma victims which I happen to be
I have a hard time pretending that things aren’t what they are
that they’re what you claim they are it’s just so very far
out there from what the facts show me what the real story is
show me how I’m supposed to live
show me what you have to give
but you’re a selfish human being
though you claim to know everything
so very much about selflessness and sharing
about AA – but you know nothing
it’s all talk without motion and we all know the same cliché
action speaks louder than words, honey I’ll take action any day
your actions tell me a different story than your words say
I have beaten you at your own game
but it wasn’t your own game
I invented it a long time ago
when I was someone you didn’t know
when I was a lawless little ho
a drug dealer seeking dough
had a criminal mentality
it controlled me and everything
I did, said, even people and the things
which I considered special or important to me
I suppose they were what defined me as a being
honey the being was a “thing” and not a pleasant thing to be
I hated her every minute of every day and I was glad to see her leave
I left her dead in a cold jail cell
I’m sure she went straight to hell
because she was heartless, an empty shell
had no feelings for anyone or anything
a very materialistic human being
would kill you for taking her things
“scary bitch” if you could call her anything
like a butterfly leaves the cocoon
I left her dead in that cold room
my wings spread and I flew away
I started life over that very day
but you prick you brought her back
with every word, every attack
you drew her back with your freak show
she’s that one I used to know
the one I never wanted to know
she’s back just like the plague
she’s going to break you like an egg
because your shell is very thin
mine is thick that’s why I’ll win
now it’s time to say goodbye
I’m really sorry you have to die
but it’s God’s plan for what you’ve done
mercy was shown to you in tons
but you wouldn’t take my hand
you wouldn’t make amends
wouldn’t admit to anything
so for you it’s going to sting
I hate to do it you know I do
but I have to do it you know I do
so for now I’ll say good-bye
I hope to see you in the next life
I hope you’ve changed a lot by then
I hope you’ve grown into a man
until then your heart is mine
I know you loved me all the time
I wish you could have been honest with me though
until you learn that lesson know
I have to be the one who takes you out
so in that please don’t ever doubt
I will stop hesitating time
I will just say “flat line, flat line”
©March 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas
flat line, flat line I know it’s your time to
flat line, flat line you’ve been fucking with
the master of all time, flat line
who is the master of many rhymes
for far too long son, your inner shine’s
going dim now don’t whine
don’t start to cry because this time
you earned what you’ll get in due time
best make amends quickly because your crimes
affected people swiftly with no mind
or any sympathy, you have no spine
but I forgive you boy, I will hit rewind
lay down some mercy for your kind
even though you were so very unkind
so very thoughtless for others, your sisters
held a grudge forever you did mister
heartless out to get revenge for what one
woman did to you a very long time ago son
didn’t you know that she wasn’t the only one
in the world who could matter
who could make your heart pitter-patter
make you feel like you were someone special
the only one in this world who mattered, well
I’m here now to remind you of all of this
so she broke your heart maybe even twisted it
does that justify how you tore all of us apart
innocent victims lives as you played the part
of mister monogamy, mister prince charming
while you were out there fucking everything
stealing their identities for that ho who’d blow anything
who gave you STD’s so you’d pass them to me,
you didn’t say a word, not a God damn thing
to warn me, to inform me, so I could get treatment for them
so I could know I was infected, know you didn’t give a damn
then again you’ve always forgotten who I am
so let me remind you gently now that I can
allow me the opportunity to put you on a magic carpet
so you can ride it out of this world, you’re my next target
that’s why I tried to tell you earlier
you’re going to flat line, flat line
I’m sorry but you pushed me too far this time
I really hate to do it to you because you’re a good friend of mine
but I have to do it to you I’ve had enough this time
if I don’t do it you’ll just keep up your bull-shit lines
keep talking shit all the time so you have to flat line
it’s a must that I do it to you
you know I’d avoid it if I could but you
just keep doing what you want to do
which causes lots of harm, mostly to me,
and that’s just unacceptable with my philosophy
you have a master’s degree in criminology
a second master’s in women’s sociology
specializing in trauma victims which I happen to be
I have a hard time pretending that things aren’t what they are
that they’re what you claim they are it’s just so very far
out there from what the facts show me what the real story is
show me how I’m supposed to live
show me what you have to give
but you’re a selfish human being
though you claim to know everything
so very much about selflessness and sharing
about AA – but you know nothing
it’s all talk without motion and we all know the same cliché
action speaks louder than words, honey I’ll take action any day
your actions tell me a different story than your words say
I have beaten you at your own game
but it wasn’t your own game
I invented it a long time ago
when I was someone you didn’t know
when I was a lawless little ho
a drug dealer seeking dough
had a criminal mentality
it controlled me and everything
I did, said, even people and the things
which I considered special or important to me
I suppose they were what defined me as a being
honey the being was a “thing” and not a pleasant thing to be
I hated her every minute of every day and I was glad to see her leave
I left her dead in a cold jail cell
I’m sure she went straight to hell
because she was heartless, an empty shell
had no feelings for anyone or anything
a very materialistic human being
would kill you for taking her things
“scary bitch” if you could call her anything
like a butterfly leaves the cocoon
I left her dead in that cold room
my wings spread and I flew away
I started life over that very day
but you prick you brought her back
with every word, every attack
you drew her back with your freak show
she’s that one I used to know
the one I never wanted to know
she’s back just like the plague
she’s going to break you like an egg
because your shell is very thin
mine is thick that’s why I’ll win
now it’s time to say goodbye
I’m really sorry you have to die
but it’s God’s plan for what you’ve done
mercy was shown to you in tons
but you wouldn’t take my hand
you wouldn’t make amends
wouldn’t admit to anything
so for you it’s going to sting
I hate to do it you know I do
but I have to do it you know I do
so for now I’ll say good-bye
I hope to see you in the next life
I hope you’ve changed a lot by then
I hope you’ve grown into a man
until then your heart is mine
I know you loved me all the time
I wish you could have been honest with me though
until you learn that lesson know
I have to be the one who takes you out
so in that please don’t ever doubt
I will stop hesitating time
I will just say “flat line, flat line”
©March 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Leap of Faith
I won't bother posting the entire poem here because, really, to experience my work you must get the full-on effects of the "entire piece of work" so I am just posting the link where it is located on my web site for my book and my poetry.
Other than that, there's really not much to say people. I have a whole four followers on this blog. I don't know if I will even continue on with my causes. There are just too many projects I have going all at once so I can't give my entire focus and energy to any one or even three or four of them because there are just so man things I jave going on at the same time. That is my fault and I apologize for being ADHD and starting too many things all at once and making it so none of them get the best possible loving care and attention they deserve and need to be successful.
If you don't see anything on this site after this then Goodbye. I liked having you all here. I wish I would have had more input form you all but if that was out of anyone's comfort zone then I wouldn't want to push my wants over anyone else's comfort level. Take care of yourselves and may God bless all of you with all your heart's desires. I know I've been gifted beyond my wildenst dreams and I feel so damn rich like the wealthiest person alive at times but then sometimes it is like a curse to know so much of what others are feeling, thinking and doing. And it just dawned on me that I am rambling and making no sense. I apologize. I haven't slept at all for over 24 hours. I hope to be sleeping for a very long time soon.
Always give your best at all you do and never under estimate what it is you can accomplish!
Other than that, there's really not much to say people. I have a whole four followers on this blog. I don't know if I will even continue on with my causes. There are just too many projects I have going all at once so I can't give my entire focus and energy to any one or even three or four of them because there are just so man things I jave going on at the same time. That is my fault and I apologize for being ADHD and starting too many things all at once and making it so none of them get the best possible loving care and attention they deserve and need to be successful.
If you don't see anything on this site after this then Goodbye. I liked having you all here. I wish I would have had more input form you all but if that was out of anyone's comfort zone then I wouldn't want to push my wants over anyone else's comfort level. Take care of yourselves and may God bless all of you with all your heart's desires. I know I've been gifted beyond my wildenst dreams and I feel so damn rich like the wealthiest person alive at times but then sometimes it is like a curse to know so much of what others are feeling, thinking and doing. And it just dawned on me that I am rambling and making no sense. I apologize. I haven't slept at all for over 24 hours. I hope to be sleeping for a very long time soon.
Always give your best at all you do and never under estimate what it is you can accomplish!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
We need some action on this board
We need some action on this board. Why is it I'm the only one who ever posts anything? Well, I have another story to tell, but right now my son is sick and needs his mother to be with him so it will have to wait a while. Trust me it won't make you smile. It really ticked me off when I figured it all out and put all the pieces of the puzzle into place. Let's just say someone had the audacity to turn me in to medicaid/dws (food stamps) which I have never, ever, had to utilize in my entire life because I've always been fortunate enough to have a good job or been lucky enough to break the law and not get caught. I believe in carrying my own weight and not relying upon anyone for help. That's my values though I've had to eat humble pie more than a time or two during my lifetime. But never have I had to stoop to depending upon state funding to survive. I wouldn't have to but me and my husband are separated and I make a whole $96.00/wk on unemployment. That doesn't cover the costs of gasoline and personal hygiene items (believe me) in and of itself. So I am also self employed as an Intuitive/Medium. I don't see very many clients (very sporadic in getting clients and it's by no means an income I could say I can count upon) not only that I am probably the cheapest in my field billing only $25 per half hour. I have taken a loss every year I have been doing this mind you. I spend more on supplies than I make in revenue. That said, someone had the nuts to turn me in as being self employed to the state as if I was trying to scam the state out of the benefits I was getting from them. As if! I am a Spiritual person and I am a very honest person. I don't do things like that. Everything I get I absolutely need and I actually need more (cash would be ideal) but they were only going to pay me an additional $99.00 per month while making me run around for 40 hours per week (using fuel I have no mone to pay for) looking for work etc. I already have a full time (from 9am to 2am) job that doesn't pay anything. What do they know about me or my personal issues and/or life situations to go and deciede I am doing something wrong without first confronting me. That is the epitome of a pussy right there. Non-confrontational (in an assertive way not passive aggressive way). Anyway, I will give details next post or maybe reply to this one.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Daddy's Fear Factor
Daddy’s Fear Factor
is it fear of commitment
or are you just sick of me
do you even want to be with me
or is your love intermittent?
I feel like my life’s on hold
and, daddy, it’s really getting old
it feels so dark and cold
the pain in my chest grabs hold
anxiety attacks are my daily snack
the worst thing about it
is knowing they’ll be back
every single night like clockwork
because you never want to try to work
out a fucking thing about us
every time I bring “us” up you go berserk
whenever I bring up the fact
that I think you’re never coming back
and how that truly makes me feel
no, it doesn’t matter if it’s really real
it’s how your words make it seem
it’s like I’m living inside of a dream
that one day you’ll be back with me
but I know you’re just sitting there laughing at me
telling me things to keep me holding on
singing me the same old fucked up song
saying you’ve got to handle shit
and, daddy, I know there’s something going on
you can do all your stuff right here
and you know that it’s just your fear
that keeps you running away to your mom’s
putting us aside for so long
you tell me I’m the one you love
but your actions haven’t proven it
you’ve just left me with mounds and mounds of shit
without a shovel to deal with it
if you really wanted it we’d be together now
don’t you know that’s the only way how
I’ll ever feel calm or trust you again
don’t you know you are my only friend
the only one I could ever count upon
but then you, too, abandoned me
even though I depended so entirely on
you to never leave me
but that’s exactly what you did
now I feel just like a little fucking kid
sitting on my porch again
waiting for my stupid dad but then
he never shows to pick me up
more important things were holding him up
his tee time he had in the morning
so I sat all day just fucking mourning
the feeling so deep of abandonment
to this day I haven’t gotten over it
what you did just brought it up again
my husband, my best and only friend
you say that you don’t know when
you’ll be able to be with me again
I say that’s just a cop out my friend
everyone knows what they’re doing when
they’re doing what they’re doing and
they always have a tentative plan
some idea of how to regulate
the way they spend their fucking day
you are no different than any one of them
you’re so meticulous my daddy, my only friend
you used to plan the schedules for programs
I’m supposed to believe you’ve no diagram
maybe some tourist would buy that shit
but I’ve been living here my whole life so it
doesn’t make any sense to me
you’ve always planned your fucking destiny
so why can’t you just use some honesty
when you are communicating with me?
©January 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas
is it fear of commitment
or are you just sick of me
do you even want to be with me
or is your love intermittent?
I feel like my life’s on hold
and, daddy, it’s really getting old
it feels so dark and cold
the pain in my chest grabs hold
anxiety attacks are my daily snack
the worst thing about it
is knowing they’ll be back
every single night like clockwork
because you never want to try to work
out a fucking thing about us
every time I bring “us” up you go berserk
whenever I bring up the fact
that I think you’re never coming back
and how that truly makes me feel
no, it doesn’t matter if it’s really real
it’s how your words make it seem
it’s like I’m living inside of a dream
that one day you’ll be back with me
but I know you’re just sitting there laughing at me
telling me things to keep me holding on
singing me the same old fucked up song
saying you’ve got to handle shit
and, daddy, I know there’s something going on
you can do all your stuff right here
and you know that it’s just your fear
that keeps you running away to your mom’s
putting us aside for so long
you tell me I’m the one you love
but your actions haven’t proven it
you’ve just left me with mounds and mounds of shit
without a shovel to deal with it
if you really wanted it we’d be together now
don’t you know that’s the only way how
I’ll ever feel calm or trust you again
don’t you know you are my only friend
the only one I could ever count upon
but then you, too, abandoned me
even though I depended so entirely on
you to never leave me
but that’s exactly what you did
now I feel just like a little fucking kid
sitting on my porch again
waiting for my stupid dad but then
he never shows to pick me up
more important things were holding him up
his tee time he had in the morning
so I sat all day just fucking mourning
the feeling so deep of abandonment
to this day I haven’t gotten over it
what you did just brought it up again
my husband, my best and only friend
you say that you don’t know when
you’ll be able to be with me again
I say that’s just a cop out my friend
everyone knows what they’re doing when
they’re doing what they’re doing and
they always have a tentative plan
some idea of how to regulate
the way they spend their fucking day
you are no different than any one of them
you’re so meticulous my daddy, my only friend
you used to plan the schedules for programs
I’m supposed to believe you’ve no diagram
maybe some tourist would buy that shit
but I’ve been living here my whole life so it
doesn’t make any sense to me
you’ve always planned your fucking destiny
so why can’t you just use some honesty
when you are communicating with me?
©January 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sex With Your Ex - Psychics share their thoughts
Sex With Your Ex - Psychics share their thoughts
I agree with the very last comment and the one about blocking what's trying to enter your life. If you are stuck in the past the future surely will not enter into your life so get out of the way and allow it to happen. Addicts/alcoholics are famous for fucking shit up like this. They tend to want to "control" their outcomes. They want to hold on to the past because it's familiar to them (safe). I ought to know... Fuck it. The past that I'm trying to let go of was a lot of bull shit that led to more bull shit. That's exactly why I'm letting it go (or trying to). Unfortunately I have some "forces" who are really getting in the way of allowing me to do just that. They are really trying to control my life and don't want to let me let things go. It's really fucked up. They are exactly the one's who caused all the bull shit to make me want to "let go." Ya know what? If they'd have played straight up poker without the poker face all the time maybe this gambler could have bet more (than just her entire existance) on them? I lost a lot, paid a lot, ain't got anymore to lose (except my sanity and my son) and they are threatening to take that too... A lot of fucking nerve this mother fucker has I tell ya... They just best pray I don't borrow a shot gun (I do have access)...
I agree with the very last comment and the one about blocking what's trying to enter your life. If you are stuck in the past the future surely will not enter into your life so get out of the way and allow it to happen. Addicts/alcoholics are famous for fucking shit up like this. They tend to want to "control" their outcomes. They want to hold on to the past because it's familiar to them (safe). I ought to know... Fuck it. The past that I'm trying to let go of was a lot of bull shit that led to more bull shit. That's exactly why I'm letting it go (or trying to). Unfortunately I have some "forces" who are really getting in the way of allowing me to do just that. They are really trying to control my life and don't want to let me let things go. It's really fucked up. They are exactly the one's who caused all the bull shit to make me want to "let go." Ya know what? If they'd have played straight up poker without the poker face all the time maybe this gambler could have bet more (than just her entire existance) on them? I lost a lot, paid a lot, ain't got anymore to lose (except my sanity and my son) and they are threatening to take that too... A lot of fucking nerve this mother fucker has I tell ya... They just best pray I don't borrow a shot gun (I do have access)...
Friday, July 16, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
You Lied
You Lied
I wish you never lied
broke my heart, tore my soul
shredded my trust
still you look me in the eyes
denying everything
as if I am in imbecile
telling me I’m insane
it’s all a figment of my imagination
a dream I imagined to place blame
you say it’s just you and me
we are two fucked up
well I agree
I buried the truth so damn deep
refused to believe, refused to see
what was blatantly
in front of me
too painful to face
too sick to believe
the shit you conceived
right in front of me
I hope you had fun
I hope those cunts
were worth what you’ve done
see I’m not done
I’ve just begun
I’ll point my gun
right at the sun
put the lights out
take your life now
no, not literally
I know you see
what I really mean
I’ll take you down
six feet under ground
maybe there you’ll find
the piece of mind
that you took of mine
and my wedding present
you used with those peasants
screaming “double A”
they were only half gay
yes, bi-sexual friends
not quite lesbians
you all had a great time
with that gift of mine
you’re such a low life
didn’t use it with your wife
you escaped Aubry’s herpes
was Amber also diseased?
Did you do Amy too
or was that too much for you
yes, I’m an angry wife
no wonder, this is my life
don’t worry I’m finally done
I’ve finally contacted someone
you can fuck them guilt free
but you won’t fuck me
©June 29, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas
I wish you never lied
broke my heart, tore my soul
shredded my trust
still you look me in the eyes
denying everything
as if I am in imbecile
telling me I’m insane
it’s all a figment of my imagination
a dream I imagined to place blame
you say it’s just you and me
we are two fucked up
well I agree
I buried the truth so damn deep
refused to believe, refused to see
what was blatantly
in front of me
too painful to face
too sick to believe
the shit you conceived
right in front of me
I hope you had fun
I hope those cunts
were worth what you’ve done
see I’m not done
I’ve just begun
I’ll point my gun
right at the sun
put the lights out
take your life now
no, not literally
I know you see
what I really mean
I’ll take you down
six feet under ground
maybe there you’ll find
the piece of mind
that you took of mine
and my wedding present
you used with those peasants
screaming “double A”
they were only half gay
yes, bi-sexual friends
not quite lesbians
you all had a great time
with that gift of mine
you’re such a low life
didn’t use it with your wife
you escaped Aubry’s herpes
was Amber also diseased?
Did you do Amy too
or was that too much for you
yes, I’m an angry wife
no wonder, this is my life
don’t worry I’m finally done
I’ve finally contacted someone
you can fuck them guilt free
but you won’t fuck me
©June 29, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas
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