Trying to Find Out Where the Pink Cloud Resides

I’ve been trying to find out where the pink cloud resides now that it vacated the space I was leasing it in the mid 90's."HEY. PINK CLOUD. Why don't you call me anymore?"


The funny things about clouds are they can turn colors so quickly. All they require is a body of water to pass over to become gray. They don't even have to be severely gray to lay down a pile of snow. Snow is also funny. If you don't have experience driving in it you can easily crash. Sometimes, because of ignorance and inexperience, it only takes "trying to maintain control of your vehicle" to cause you to spin out of control doing 360's from one side of the road into oncoming traffic. Just driving in the manner you have been taught or grown accustom to can go from you wrecking into an inanimate object to taking multiple cars along with you creating an 18 car pile up. Yep, sometimes it's better to release "control" entirely and go with auto-pilot. I will explain what I mean by "auto-pilot."

The earth is merely a huge puppeteer stage and we humans are gigantic Marionette puppets. We have long, invisible strings attached to a large, wooden control unit. Our Higher Power manipulates the wooden control which pulls our strings which makes us move in many different directions. So long as our Higher Power is the one with the control unit we will stay on a path which provides us with many learning opportunities and (sometimes) opportunities to teach. The path is the path which flows smoothly, effortlessly, and reaches many pleasant destinations. When we (the puppets) decide we are clever enough to know what is best for ourselves and/or others we begin to stretch the strings. Eventually they snap giving us complete control of our actions and the roads we travel which lead us to many destinations. These journeys, though just as scenic as before, always lead us to the same two destinations. Those two destinations are institutions and/or death. Not necessarily in that order...

No matter how much recovery time you have under your belt you have been given your own control unit. It's called a brain. The brain is the only imperfect organ in the human body. It is only imperfect because it was given the ability to think at such rapid rates. It can propel the body and spirit with its thoughts. It does this because thoughts are what form emotions. Emotions are the single most powerful vessel created by our Higher Power. The only thing more powerful (within human beings) is their Spirit. The Spirit is an extension of our Higher Power and if we allow our Spirit to maintain control of that wooden control unit we are effortlessly more happy. When our brain rationalizes with the Spirit and begins to converse it is so much louder than the voice of Spirit it easily takes over the conversation. This is the defect which creates all other character defects.

The mind is a very powerful tool we have been given. It's important to use our tools as they were intended. When we use a stick of dynamite rather than a "saws-all" to make an opening in a solid wall as we remodel our home we're going to create the need for a new wall to be built. This comes at a much higher cost than if we'd used a saws-all to create a measured, thought out opening requiring only a small amount of materials to give birth to the look we'd intended to create. None of us go out into the world saying, "I want to be a heroin and cocaine addict so I can completely silence the voice of my Spirit and damage all major organs in my body. Create huge voids in all the relationships which are important to me. Alienating any and all reason, capacity to love in an unconditional and healthy way. Then eventually die from the drugs themselves or the situations I choose to be in in order to maintain my self destructive lifestyle." No, only after long periods of sobriety which have given us experiences which are healthy because we repaired the strings and gave up the control unit to our Higher Power do we realize the error of our ways and what led us to break the ties with our Higher Power. Once that is realized (completely) should we go back to our old ways we do so with full knowledge of what we are doing. That knowledge, mixed with the complete ignorance of it, brings us to self destruction in newer and more heinous ways than we experienced before.

We thought we'd experienced hell the first time around when we hit bottoms that made us crave and strive for a new way, a release of our will, a surrender to our Higher Power. That was merely a glimpse into what hell truly is because when we "use," with the knowing that what we are doing is not right, then we get to experience hell in all its hateful glory.

My name is Tammy and I have been to hell and back more times than I care to remember. Though it's not something I care to remember I must remember everything because if I forget, for even a milisecond, where I've been and how I got there I will most certainly be sentenced to a life of immeasureable self-loathing and misery. I've lived too many of my "human years" in hell. I must give up control to my Higher Power if I want to achieve any level of true happiness. True happiness is created and saturated with unconditional love. Unconditional love for myself, my Creator, and my fellow fucked up human brothers and sisters. We are one family, one race. That race is the human race and we all share the same Creator (Parents) no matter what our religions, agnosticism, or brains tell us.