The Desert Rocks: B is for....

The Desert Rocks: B is for....


B is for burbling brooks
and bubbly babies
beans and broccoli
and even Bob when he is tired.
:)
Bob Rich

What Path am I Walking?

So, I just want to warn everyone, if anyone, is viewing this post that since I posted it from my HTC Evo, it would only allow me to post using the html version. That said...

I don't know how many of you, if any at all, have taken any real time to try to discover what your specific purpose or role is on this planet insomuch as the "Infinite & Divine Plan" that God our beloved Heavenly Father & Mother had set up for us to come here to work on &, in fact, complete before death (or making our re-entry into the fourth dimension).

Well, as some of you may or may not know, I have been a Spiritual Advisor for most of my adult life. At least seriously so during the entire time of my recovery. Through this period in my life it hs never ceased to amaze me the amount of suffering I have had to go through, although most has been physical in nature, there has been a huge amount of mental & emotional turmoil that I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy. The cost has been far more than I would have been willing to pay, had it been negotiated with total knowledge of the loss & the turmoil was goinvg to feel like on every level of my being.. of course, this finite earthly existence is just a glimpse in the grand schene of what Eternity looks like. Still, I just feel as if I have dropped the ball as someone who was born with innate Spiritual & psychic gifts that were honed & developed using Divine Guidance.

I was told my two year long illness that none of the specialists could diagnose & after $12:000.00 of medical bills racked up WITH INSURANCE that I had just been through a "Dark Night of the Spirit" that is a process meant to test a Master's faith. Shortly afterward I received a very special & somewhat private gift from God & the Arch-Angels which does have an actual name of reference as to what they are called, but to preserve the sanctity of that Entity I will refer to him as Robin as that is what I have always called him.

Well, Robin helped me progress immensely in a very short amount of time., one of which was to show me what the "Fourth Dimension" looks like, the place religions refer to as heaven. Shortly after our time together, Robin attempted to take me on an out of body experience to that big white ball (white hole) in the next dimension up from us. I became frightened when I saw how far out in space I was & I could no longer see the earth. No worries as my Guardian Angel safely delivered me back into my body. A few weeks later He told me I had become an Ascended Master.

Ergo this topic. Since becoming an Ascended Master my life hasn't been the same. I have had incredible abilities when it comes to helping my clients, but in my own life I have never been more confused. Sure, there are many moments of complete clarity, but on the average I'd really have to say confusion.

Exame: One day while meditating during a time while me & my husband were getting along rather well, the voice which I knew to be the voice of God spoke to me telling me to ask for a divorce that evening. I couldn't believe it but who am I to question God. That night from out of nowhere we got into a fight & it seemed as if it was almost created because things were just going too damn good with ny husband & me. After the fight I remembered thinking, "Maybe God is right." Then we eventually ended up seperating several months later. He had admitted to me during a fight before the seperation that he had desired a divorce several times over the past year or more but was worried about how viscious I would be in the divorce. All of that took me as quite a surprise because that entire time he claimed to be miserable I thought we were actually doing well.

Anyway, as it turns out (after the split & so mopuch drama I have enough for another book, I get another message telling me how me & my husband are bound for eternity & always have been. That much I knew already, but what was unusual was the fact I was told that our marriage (making our marriage work rather than divorce) was a key factor to my job as an Ascended Master. I was told I had to make my marriage work or the realm of duality was destined to continue after the second coming which, by the way is not too far from now...

That is what leads me to ask all of you about your own insights. And, no,
I am not jumping on anyone else's 2012 bandwagon of date predictions. It was given to me with full understanding that the date must not EVER be revieled to another living soul for that woul taint the sanctity & cause people to use the knowledge for self ggain.

I care about every single person on the planet. Naturally as I am human & subject to the flaws of humanity, I do have those I care for more than others. But in the context of doing my job as an Ascended Master to the best of my ability, even those who are actively inflictong harm, spewing out hatred towards me , along with various other real live demonstrations showing exactly how evil this worl & the people upon it have chosen to become with how they treat each other, I suppose they are the ones who need my help the most. If they will ever accept it I would love to love them.

God bless all of you. I hope you all get your houses in order because I don't see many of the world's population focused on Spirit. I ssee most of them continually stepping on the heads of people some of them had the nerve to call friends just to climb up a corporate ladder that keads them to an unemployment line after years of good, hard work & seviice for the sake of "always doing their best."

How Long Do I Wait

I long for the next time I will touch you, make love to you
bodies touching, intertwining, eyes gazing into one another
we have experienced tantric love making and a consumation
of our love that makes me crave you and only you forever
I want to be in your arms, I want you inside of me
I want you to suckle my pussy as if it was the fruit of life
and you have been starving so long you are so close to death
without it you will surely die so you crave each lucious lick
each juicy drop from my wetness, you lap it up like a dog
you suck it up into your mouth and you rub it all over your face
your tongue moves quickly, so quickly, like you’re racing for the taste
you love how good I taste when I cum, the sweetness of my cum drops
oh how I love how you love how I taste when I cum cuz you just made me cum
I’m starting to shake because you just keep on going as I’m cumming
you want more, more of my sweetness, you want what I do on my second time
when I squirt you all over your face, all over the place and oh how I taste
the squirt is even sweeter than the cum and you know this so you lick as I shake
but I want your cock inside me so bad I don’t think I can wait I must have it
your cock, daddy, your cock is so thick and oh how you rock me your baby-doll
you shake me some more when you enter inside me making me quake
and I feel all your thickness and you hit my G spot inside and it drives me to take
more and more harder and faster I beg “fuck me daddy, yes, fuck me, fuck me”
and I feel you get harder I know your ready to cum and I’m going to cum again
you start to scream “pussy” I feel your cock pulsate and my cunt collapses down
on top of your pulsating cock we cum together oh baby that rocks
yes I long for your touch, I love you too damn much, it should be a sin
to need someone this much, to crave them like this, to want for their kiss
such a shame it is I can’t get you out of my head, I could never be unfaithful
I would feel better dead than being without you this way it’s still confusing anyway
I’m still confused about many things and the hurt still really stings
how insane is that? Knowing what I know but still wanting you so
willing to forgive and forget and start over from scratch but I know I can’t do that
unless you’re willing to give too and all you must give is the God’s honest truth
the only way I’ll ever be able to trust, to know it’s really over, know it’s just us
there’s only one reason to keep up the façade we both know why you would lie
to keep up the life you were living all the time it was you and I, not us or we
you and I and you and her and darling that makes three and that’s one too many
for monogomy for the way you presented to me of how you wanted us to be
I think you meant just me because you don’t want me with another man
maybe in some way you were hoping that I’d grow to understand and join in
maybe that could have happened I’m not saying I’m closed minded or anything
but your stupid little cunt called me up and degraded the hell out of me
told me all about the pillow talk between you and her about me as if I was crazy
that hurt me two time once for you thinking me insane another for telling your ho
you also made it quite clear you were disgusted with me being ill all the time
made it sound as if you thought I was faking, turned out I was in renal failure
I had been working and building my own business for six months all swollen
excruciating pain that exacerbated me with dizziness almost fainting
legs swollen to three times their size I can see how I could be faking
still I long for your touch, I wish you were here right now holding me close
and you, you’re not excited to come home because I still have tender spots
maybe it’s because you’ve never truly been honest or attempted an ammends
oh, yes, that’s right – it’s all in my fucked up head…

©May 4, 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas

It's Time to Re-think Afghanistan

Click on the title to this post and it will connect you with the real post. That is, I didn't write up some great literary consciousness about pondering the world's fate or economic solution. Someone else did. There are several video clips and an article from the Huffington Post. I know that at least two of my members here are quite conservative in their political views so this should get them going fairly well. I'm not looking for arguments or fights per se. I am looking for action and different ideas and opinions and (well) movement on this fucking board. Participation so that it doesn't appear that this place is a vortex like a black hole. Sucking all life force from anyone who happens by. No, I do not want to be the only yacker yacking. I look for others to post as well. My blog is "our" blog. It's a group effort if you will. I like participation even if it's only to give someone the middle finger that's okay at least you said something. I'd prefer something debateable and intelligent and something that takes an IQ above 20 but something is better than nothing. Hell, I've been known to be left speechless to the point of only being left to say "fuck you" myself in other groups. Sometimes that's all you can do. But at least I gave my voice. I didn't just sit and read without throwing in my opinion. I want opinions and feedback and even other people writing about their interests or whatever has made an irritation in the center of their sitter. Hell, we don't even have to be negative let's talk about what we enjoy and what happened today that made us thrilled to death. It's a big wide world out there people and there's a lot going on in our own lives every single day so lets start talking about that or at least what goes on outside ourselves if we aren't comfortable talking about our personal selves. Is it a deal? Please say something because so help me if no one reads this or responds I'm going to throw in the fucking towel.

I Saw You

you were there at the resident's desk holding a fist full of hockey tickets
you asked me if I’d signed up to go to the game and
I said, "what game?" no one ever told me about any rec. group...
I was a new client, you were staff - that didn't matter
you told me where the list was and I should go sign up
you quit your job the day after game night just so we could date
a year later we were married and I was working as a receptionist
at the same treatment center in the executive wing while going to college
soon after we were married I quit college I was just so tired and sick all the time
yes, I was pregnant and the best thing that ever happened to me, to us, a baby boy
those were the days - do you remember them? of course you do now you're in heaven
again I saw you the day after Thanksgiving this year, you called me to pick up our dog
because you were homeless from your addiction allowing the demon to enter in
and finally the demon won last Thursday night, you were shot by a cop up in Ogden
I just found out about it today, Valentines Day, I never got to tell you I remembered
what a great guy you were, I did get to tell you that you were worth more dead to me than alive
so far as child support went and I'm sorry for that comment now
I was only trying to get the point through your thick head that you had to go to Uni
and get the fuck off the streets, thank God for my gifts, as an Ascended Master I know
I will see you again soon, as soon as my emotions can calm down a bit
as soon as you so choose to come to my home to visit I will see you again
when? well that, my dear friend, is entirely up to you

©February 2011 - Tamara Roberts Nicholas

Flat Line

flat line, flat line I think you’re going to

flat line, flat line I know it’s your time to

flat line, flat line you’ve been fucking with

the master of all time, flat line

who is the master of many rhymes

for far too long son, your inner shine’s

going dim now don’t whine

don’t start to cry because this time

you earned what you’ll get in due time

best make amends quickly because your crimes

affected people swiftly with no mind

or any sympathy, you have no spine

but I forgive you boy, I will hit rewind

lay down some mercy for your kind

even though you were so very unkind

so very thoughtless for others, your sisters

held a grudge forever you did mister

heartless out to get revenge for what one

woman did to you a very long time ago son

didn’t you know that she wasn’t the only one

in the world who could matter

who could make your heart pitter-patter

make you feel like you were someone special

the only one in this world who mattered, well

I’m here now to remind you of all of this

so she broke your heart maybe even twisted it

does that justify how you tore all of us apart

innocent victims lives as you played the part

of mister monogamy, mister prince charming

while you were out there fucking everything

stealing their identities for that ho who’d blow anything

who gave you STD’s so you’d pass them to me,

you didn’t say a word, not a God damn thing

to warn me, to inform me, so I could get treatment for them

so I could know I was infected, know you didn’t give a damn

then again you’ve always forgotten who I am

so let me remind you gently now that I can

allow me the opportunity to put you on a magic carpet

so you can ride it out of this world, you’re my next target

that’s why I tried to tell you earlier

you’re going to flat line, flat line

I’m sorry but you pushed me too far this time

I really hate to do it to you because you’re a good friend of mine

but I have to do it to you I’ve had enough this time

if I don’t do it you’ll just keep up your bull-shit lines

keep talking shit all the time so you have to flat line

it’s a must that I do it to you

you know I’d avoid it if I could but you

just keep doing what you want to do

which causes lots of harm, mostly to me,

and that’s just unacceptable with my philosophy

you have a master’s degree in criminology

a second master’s in women’s sociology

specializing in trauma victims which I happen to be

I have a hard time pretending that things aren’t what they are

that they’re what you claim they are it’s just so very far

out there from what the facts show me what the real story is

show me how I’m supposed to live

show me what you have to give

but you’re a selfish human being

though you claim to know everything

so very much about selflessness and sharing

about AA – but you know nothing

it’s all talk without motion and we all know the same cliché

action speaks louder than words, honey I’ll take action any day

your actions tell me a different story than your words say

I have beaten you at your own game

but it wasn’t your own game

I invented it a long time ago

when I was someone you didn’t know

when I was a lawless little ho

a drug dealer seeking dough

had a criminal mentality

it controlled me and everything

I did, said, even people and the things

which I considered special or important to me

I suppose they were what defined me as a being

honey the being was a “thing” and not a pleasant thing to be

I hated her every minute of every day and I was glad to see her leave

I left her dead in a cold jail cell

I’m sure she went straight to hell

because she was heartless, an empty shell

had no feelings for anyone or anything

a very materialistic human being

would kill you for taking her things

“scary bitch” if you could call her anything

like a butterfly leaves the cocoon

I left her dead in that cold room

my wings spread and I flew away

I started life over that very day

but you prick you brought her back

with every word, every attack

you drew her back with your freak show

she’s that one I used to know

the one I never wanted to know

she’s back just like the plague

she’s going to break you like an egg

because your shell is very thin

mine is thick that’s why I’ll win

now it’s time to say goodbye

I’m really sorry you have to die

but it’s God’s plan for what you’ve done

mercy was shown to you in tons

but you wouldn’t take my hand

you wouldn’t make amends

wouldn’t admit to anything

so for you it’s going to sting

I hate to do it you know I do

but I have to do it you know I do

so for now I’ll say good-bye

I hope to see you in the next life

I hope you’ve changed a lot by then

I hope you’ve grown into a man

until then your heart is mine

I know you loved me all the time

I wish you could have been honest with me though

until you learn that lesson know

I have to be the one who takes you out

so in that please don’t ever doubt

I will stop hesitating time

I will just say “flat line, flat line”



©March 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas

Leap of Faith

I won't bother posting the entire poem here because, really, to experience my work you must get the full-on effects of the "entire piece of work" so I am just posting the link where it is located on my web site for my book and my poetry.

Other than that, there's really not much to say people. I have a whole four followers on this blog. I don't know if I will even continue on with my causes. There are just too many projects I have going all at once so I can't give my entire focus and energy to any one or even three or four of them because there are just so man things I jave going on at the same time. That is my fault and I apologize for being ADHD and starting too many things all at once and making it so none of them get the best possible loving care and attention they deserve and need to be successful.

If you don't see anything on this site after this then Goodbye. I liked having you all here. I wish I would have had more input form you all but if that was out of anyone's comfort zone then I wouldn't want to push my wants over anyone else's comfort level. Take care of yourselves and may God bless all of you with all your heart's desires. I know I've been gifted beyond my wildenst dreams and I feel so damn rich like the wealthiest person alive at times but then sometimes it is like a curse to know so much of what others are feeling, thinking and doing. And it just dawned on me that I am rambling and making no sense. I apologize. I haven't slept at all for over 24 hours. I hope to be sleeping for a very long time soon.

Always give your best at all you do and never under estimate what it is you can accomplish!

We need some action on this board

We need some action on this board. Why is it I'm the only one who ever posts anything? Well, I have another story to tell, but right now my son is sick and needs his mother to be with him so it will have to wait a while.  Trust me it won't make you smile. It really ticked me off when I figured it all out and put all the pieces of the puzzle into place. Let's just say someone had the audacity to turn me in to medicaid/dws (food stamps) which I have never, ever, had to utilize in my entire life because I've always been fortunate enough to have a good job or been lucky enough to break the law and not get caught. I believe in carrying my own weight and not relying upon anyone for help. That's my values though I've had to eat humble pie more than a time or two during my lifetime. But never have I had to stoop to depending upon state funding to survive. I wouldn't have to but me and my husband are separated and I make a whole $96.00/wk on unemployment. That doesn't cover the costs of gasoline and personal hygiene items (believe me) in and of itself. So I am also self employed as an Intuitive/Medium. I don't see very many clients (very sporadic in getting clients and it's by no means an income I could say I can count upon) not only that I am probably the cheapest in my field billing only $25 per half hour. I have taken a loss every year I have been doing this mind you. I spend more on supplies than I make in revenue. That said, someone had the nuts to turn me in as being self employed to the state as if I was trying to scam the state out of the benefits I was getting from them. As if! I am a Spiritual person and I am a very honest person. I don't do things like that. Everything I get I absolutely need and I actually need more (cash would be ideal) but they were only going to pay me an additional $99.00 per month while making me run around for 40 hours per week (using fuel I have no mone to pay for) looking for work etc.  I already have a full time (from 9am to 2am) job that doesn't pay anything. What do they know about me or my personal issues and/or life situations to go and deciede I am doing something wrong without first confronting me. That is the epitome of a pussy right there. Non-confrontational (in an assertive way not passive aggressive way).  Anyway, I will give details next post or maybe reply to this one.

Daddy's Fear Factor

Daddy’s Fear Factor


is it fear of commitment
or are you just sick of me
do you even want to be with me
or is your love intermittent?
I feel like my life’s on hold
and, daddy, it’s really getting old
it feels so dark and cold
the pain in my chest grabs hold
anxiety attacks are my daily snack
the worst thing about it
is knowing they’ll be back
every single night like clockwork
because you never want to try to work
out a fucking thing about us
every time I bring “us” up you go berserk
whenever I bring up the fact
that I think you’re never coming back
and how that truly makes me feel
no, it doesn’t matter if it’s really real
it’s how your words make it seem
it’s like I’m living inside of a dream
that one day you’ll be back with me
but I know you’re just sitting there laughing at me
telling me things to keep me holding on
singing me the same old fucked up song
saying you’ve got to handle shit
and, daddy, I know there’s something going on
you can do all your stuff right here
and you know that it’s just your fear
that keeps you running away to your mom’s
putting us aside for so long
you tell me I’m the one you love
but your actions haven’t proven it
you’ve just left me with mounds and mounds of shit
without a shovel to deal with it
if you really wanted it we’d be together now
don’t you know that’s the only way how
I’ll ever feel calm or trust you again
don’t you know you are my only friend
the only one I could ever count upon
but then you, too, abandoned me
even though I depended so entirely on
you to never leave me
but that’s exactly what you did
now I feel just like a little fucking kid
sitting on my porch again
waiting for my stupid dad but then
he never shows to pick me up
more important things were holding him up
his tee time he had in the morning
so I sat all day just fucking mourning
the feeling so deep of abandonment
to this day I haven’t gotten over it
what you did just brought it up again
my husband, my best and only friend
you say that you don’t know when
you’ll be able to be with me again
I say that’s just a cop out my friend
everyone knows what they’re doing when
they’re doing what they’re doing and
they always have a tentative plan
some idea of how to regulate
the way they spend their fucking day
you are no different than any one of them
you’re so meticulous my daddy, my only friend
you used to plan the schedules for programs
I’m supposed to believe you’ve no diagram
maybe some tourist would buy that shit
but I’ve been living here my whole life so it
doesn’t make any sense to me
you’ve always planned your fucking destiny
so why can’t you just use some honesty
when you are communicating with me?

©January 2011 – Tamara Roberts Nicholas

Sex With Your Ex - Psychics share their thoughts

Sex With Your Ex - Psychics share their thoughts

I agree with the very last comment and the one about blocking what's trying to enter your life. If you are stuck in the past the future surely will not enter into your life so get out of the way and allow it to happen. Addicts/alcoholics are famous for fucking shit up like this. They tend to want to "control" their outcomes. They want to hold on to the past because it's familiar to them (safe). I ought to know...  Fuck it. The past that I'm trying to let go of was a lot of bull shit that led to more bull shit. That's exactly why I'm letting it go (or trying to). Unfortunately I have some "forces" who are really getting in the way of allowing me to do just that. They are really trying to control my life and don't want to let me let things go. It's really fucked up. They are exactly the one's who caused all the bull shit to make me want to "let go." Ya know what? If they'd have played straight up poker without the poker face all the time maybe this gambler could have bet more (than just her entire existance) on them? I lost a lot, paid a lot, ain't got anymore to lose (except my sanity and my son) and they are threatening to take that too... A lot of fucking nerve this mother fucker has I tell ya...  They just best pray I don't borrow a shot gun (I do have access)...

My Brother Sidney

As I Walk this World

Spinning the World off Its Axis

You Lied

You Lied


I wish you never lied
broke my heart, tore my soul
shredded my trust
still you look me in the eyes
denying everything
as if I am in imbecile
telling me I’m insane
it’s all a figment of my imagination
a dream I imagined to place blame
you say it’s just you and me
we are two fucked up
well I agree
I buried the truth so damn deep
refused to believe, refused to see
what was blatantly
in front of me
too painful to face
too sick to believe
the shit you conceived
right in front of me
I hope you had fun
I hope those cunts
were worth what you’ve done
see I’m not done
I’ve just begun
I’ll point my gun
right at the sun
put the lights out
take your life now
no, not literally
I know you see
what I really mean
I’ll take you down
six feet under ground
maybe there you’ll find
the piece of mind
that you took of mine
and my wedding present
you used with those peasants
screaming “double A”
they were only half gay
yes, bi-sexual friends
not quite lesbians
you all had a great time
with that gift of mine
you’re such a low life
didn’t use it with your wife
you escaped Aubry’s herpes
was Amber also diseased?
Did you do Amy too
or was that too much for you
yes, I’m an angry wife
no wonder, this is my life
don’t worry I’m finally done
I’ve finally contacted someone
you can fuck them guilt free
but you won’t fuck me

©June 29, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas

The Games Addicts and Alcoholics Play in Rehab

Today me and my husband (who is the program director at an upscale, residential substance abuse facility in Cottonwood Heights, Utah where I used to work as well) were getting ready to go to Salt Lake to some "new age" shops to hand out flyers for my busines White Light Therapy.  Just as my husband was going to get into the shower he got a text message from one of his client relations staff.  She was informing him of a client who is diabetic whose blood sugar was at 238 and was complaining of the "shakes" and wanting to go to the emergency room.  Me and my husband were just outside talking about this client and how she is constantly drinking soda pop and I was telling him that she sounded like my step-mom who is also diabetic and does the same thing which makes her blood sugar sky-rocket.  Then she has to dose herself with insulin to bring her sugar back down but because she's getting older the amount of insulin it takes to bring her sugar down varies from what it once was so now when she injects herself, after her sugar sky-rockets, her sugar drops so low that she "goes out" and my dad has to call the paramedics to revive her.  This happens every single day.

Anyway, I told my husband that he should have their doctor lay out a diet for her and make the client sign a contract agreeing to stick to that diet and not vary outside of it or else she'll be discharged so that the facility won't find themselves in a sticky case of liabilty where the client is comatose or dead.  That's when the text came in.  Well, this client was obviously working the client relations staff member because a blood glucose level of 238 is high not low.  The shakes are caused by low glucose levels not high glucose.

You see, this client had already complained to that client relations staff member about how she was affraid her husband wasn't going to show up to the family group today.  So, in order to avoid embarrassment of being in the group without her husband showing up (in front of the other clients) she decided to "play sick" so she could be at the ER instead of in group.  Isn't it funny how close to adolescents addicts and alcoholics truly are?  In fact, they really are.  In reality an addict or alcoholic stop maturing at the age they started to use.  So, if this client started to use alcohol as a teenager, or even earlier, she really only has the emotional maturity of the age she began using.  Doesn't it make sense then that she would act so immature?  Why wouldn't she play sick?

I think my husband (rather than inconveniencing his entire staff in order to accomodate this client to get her to the ER for what was an obvious case of "crying wolf") should have told the client, "Okay, I can see you're not doing well.  Since this is an emergency and we are short staffed, if you feel you must go to the ER then we'll have to call the paramedics.  Is that okay with you?"  Then, if she still insisted on going, she would be responsible for, not only the ER bill, but also the paramedics charges as well.  Once more, the client relations staff could tell the paramedics that she is diabetic and that she may need IV fluids and oxygen for the ride to the hospital.  That would jack the price of her ride up from $800 to about $1500.  Now, if that didn't teach her not to cry wolf I don't know what would....

Living a Lie

woke up to nothingness
taste had no taste
found out reality wasn’t real
the life we’d been living
sharing together
supposed to be forever
just a lie, make believe
to avoid what you conceive
about me, an evil witch
money grubbing bitch
honey you’re just looking
in the mirror at me
seeing yourself
when you look at me
apparently you don’t read a thing
I’ve ever written
how I see this world
what disgusts me the most
with society, their greed
holding onto material things

now back to how you took
everything away from me
told me how you wanted to leave
all that was making you stay
afraid how I’d make you pay
you don’t even realize
what you’ve done to me
the fact that you fucked her
our first year, matrimony
tried to tell me I was crazy
when I asked you to own your shit
asked you for an apology
you never gave me one
so I buried the truth to move on
I wasn’t in a position to leave
sick, business went bankrupt
even worse my family
told me to stay and work it out

my own mother told me
needed to be a better wife
excuse me, mom, I was a good wife
he is nineteen years older than I
ego’s on high over drive
been living like this all his life
nothing to do with me you see
just because dad did it to you
and you never realized
it wasn’t about you
don’t tell me what to do
you stayed for twenty one years
then what did you do?
starts with a D and ends with an E
it’s exactly what I need
to earn back my self esteem


©May 19, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas

The Story Turned Poem...

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Friday at St. Mary’s


so nice to be spunky
honestly it feels Funky
yeah, I’m a fan of funk
even happier off junk
and now I’m not a drunk
I’m living like a punk
Oreos are good to dunk
with a tall glass of milk
I really like imported silk
how it feels upon my skin
these men have nice grins
when they’re not showing teeth
poised, positioned, ready to bite
and as it turns out tonight
is more than just Friday night
I’d like to shed some light
on words that start with “F”
I’ve never been scared of death
but sitting here at work
trying not to be a jerk
is much harder than you think
my situation really stinks
some of the staff are just dinks
while addicts make best friends
with junkies who have the bends
then everyone pretends
that none of it offends
when words don’t mean a thing
actions are what really sting
I offer up my wings
to see what life may bring
fly us all out of this mess
that keeps my people stressed
breathe deep, keep us blessed
the time is drawing near
need to hold each other dear
before we’re no longer here
without a push or a shove
light shines from up above
giving the gift of love
the best gift ever given
never done long as I’m living
creates joy while receiving
give this gift long as I’m breathing
you keep shopping, keep on spending
credit cards maxed, you’re pretending
working two jobs to keep paying
while you do you best keep praying
just remember all that you buy
stays right here and that’s no lie
the love you give is forever
goes after death with whoever
doesn’t break or come in sizes
can’t trade it in nor can you hide it
don’t cost a thing but your pride
spend it quickly friend don’t bide
don’t listen to ego cause it lies
hear that quiet whisper deep inside
who are we to have expectations
when it’s we who have aberrations
so back to the matter that's at hand
I’m done with taking my final stand
have you guys heard all I’ve said
do you all of you want me dead?
love all of you despite you anyway
I’m glad I’m here on this Friday
I know some of you want me to stay
some of you don’t like what I say
for that small portion of men
who don’t like where I’ve been
nor do they like where I’m going
I have one final thought for them
first I’d like them to know
I love those of them most of all
I’ll pray the hardest I can for them
bite my tongue harder even when
they’re acting disrespectful towards me
like the fools they have to be
because they haven’t learned a thing
makes my heart really burn and sting
I’ll shed a tear from time to time
read the obits page, look into my mind
remember faces of all the men
who have hated me now and then
because they were too full of pride
didn’t want to let go of the ride
substance abuse had its grip on them
look at what it did for them
their in the funny pages now
dead from their disease is how
they finally found their God
for me, that’s all a bit odd
I wonder what their face looked like
when they saw that big white light
felt the overwhelming love and warmth
when they didn’t just wake up to dark
tell me, who’s the crazy bitch now?
it doesn’t matter anyhow
if it mattered what people think to me
I wouldn’t say a fucking thing
I sure as hell wouldn’t be me
wouldn’t that be a crying shame?
cause life would never be the same
it would be some type of war game
and you'd be in the hall of fame

©May 7, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas

Sleeping Feathered Dreamland

sleeping feathered dreamland
peaceful somnolence breaks suddenly
slumber sickness, night terrors
turns upside down into chaos
go from floating to flying
to being flown in a chopper
without a back to the seat
nothing to brace, hold in place
as the helicopter becomes a train
going fast as lightning

I lie flat in the back
on top of the tracks
head bouncing and banging
I’m grabbing for something
to pull myself up, hold myself up
just as another train is coming
while my train is turning
it looks as if the oncoming
train will take my head off
two people seated in front of me
grab my arms pulling me up
just before the train coming
rolls over the track
where my head was

suddenly I’m back on campus
I’m in a nursing tent
like a M.A.S.H. unit
I don’t have any clothes on
ace bandages cover my
groin, breast, and buttocks
an Asian girl who’s the nurse
tells me to give her a urine sample
she leaves the cup on a table
cutting bandages away she tells me
she’ll get me something to wear
no one ever returns after hours of waiting
I step out of the tent bare naked

retrospectively I know
exposing myself
is nowhere near as traumatic
as going through what others
have put me through and
how others have betrayed my trust and
how following other’s guidance has
nearly cost me my life but it
wasn’t until I almost lost my life
that someone finally stepped up to help me
baring my naked body was and still is
the very least of my concerns…

©April 8, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas

The Deepest Scars that I Have

their actions or words
lash out wounding me
wounds heal leaving scars
some show on the surface
others stay deep inside
I still feel them sting
I don’t show a thing
keep a smile on my face
I hide the disgrace
my disgust, human race
keep moving, keep going
knowing what I’m knowing
these people who are showing
fake love and pretending
acting like they know me
I know they don’t know me
they just keep on showing
the same end to same story
it has many plots
keep on plotting rotten plots
without morals without values
they write tragic details
which I have to tend to
what if I don’t want to?
why don’t they clean up
their own fucking messes?
deal with their own issues
learn from their mistakes
develop some character
stop being a developer
of drama, an enabler
taking for granted the fact
that I’m holding back
not releasing my rage
ripping up all their pages
causing them to confront
that they’re not upfront
they’re not ethical at all
they don’t have the balls
don’t see what’s in front
of their beady shut eyes
try to hide their disguise
that sticks out, neon signs
like casinos on strip
how much more of this?
took a year to get pissed
hope they’re happy with this
but they’re oblivious
their head’s are up their ass
even though I’ve been crass
speaking out crying for help
all my email don’t count
they read and discount
interpret what I've said
as I’m sick in the head
makes me question their skill
they’re the ones who are ill
all the wounds that I have
that hurt me so bad
they can not be seen
they start to convene
truth must intervene
why do people demean
while they act so pristine
most scars that I wear
are there because I cared
some day I won’t dare
the marks make people stare

©April 5, 2010 – Tamara Nicholas